to be more clear, i wondered, "OK so i mentioned my ticking biological clock, i plan to write more about that, what if the person/s i date, ask about what i do in my free time, what if they chance upon the blog, what if that freaks a guy out to know that i'm on this, needa get married, wanna have another baby track?!"
but then i responded to myself by saying, "Oh well. if the guy freaks out, he obviously was the wrong guy. there are just as many men who get to a certain point in life and want certain things as there are women; this is not a gender specific thing, it's a human thing. tons of guys wanna get married and have a kid ASAP; the challenge would be to find one of them." LOL
so yeah, i am figuring that it makes absolutely no sense to censor myself on MY BLOG. that's just dumb, right?... Right.
so yeah, i will continue to just be frank, and to just share... chances are a guy i date won't have a clue about this blog anyhow... unless i become super famous from it and brag about it all the time of course. ha ha ha
but yeah so i've been thinking about a ton of things to write; which is great. yesterday, i spent even more time reading other blogs; it is really cool, i like it a lot; am totally hooked already.... the ones i like, i guess are basically due to them being similar to how i'd like mine to end up. there is a difference between someone posting stuff about their vacations, or listing what they did in the day, AND someone authentically sharing. i want my authentic voice to come through; like i'm sharing with one of my friends. i think pretending that this is an email vs sharing with the world will help. : )
oh but yeah, so my ideas. not only do i wanna talk about the things i should do or be at 30, i will share what i think a person should not do or be at 30. if that makes sense...... some things are in the positive as in, what i will do, some are in the negative, as in what i won't do, or will stop doing; all goals though in the end.
i've already accomplished certain things prior to starting the blog (these are not in any particular order): exit destructive relationship, drive on a highway in town, drive on a highway for a long distance (i have driving issues, thus making these accomplishments), move out from my parents, buy my first house, put my gifts to work at church (i write on occasion for the bulletin, and share my baked goods), be more friendly at work and church, try new activities, salvage friendships that ended on bad notes...
in a previous post i just gave a general hokey list of items, i am seeking to accomplish, i have since thought of more concrete things such as:
- get car insurance (i KNOW i should have that now, but i totally don't)
- stop hiding unclean dishes in unsuspecting places in my kitchen... (i'll explain that later lol)
- learn to fix a flat tire (even though i have AAA, i figured i should still learn how)
- learn to BBQ (i REALLY wanna learn how to do this!)
- wear 'real' clothes more times than not (5 years out of college and in the 4 jobs i've had, none have required an actual dress code; so i dress like crap and only look nice for church or something else during the weekend)
- get healthy, and stay that way (ie actually use the workout equipment in my basement)
- find a reliable source for petite pants for women that are NOT 90 lbs (i'm 5'0 and not 90 lbs; it's a headache)
- teach Josiah all i know on the piano and then get him lessons
- buy a new car (haven't done that yet, oh how joyous that day will be!)
- do the serious financial planning stuff (make a will, retirement planning etc.)
- get a passport and travel outside the states (i've already been to Mexico and Canada, but haven't we all?)
- attempt to overcome my social anxieties myself; then if that doesn't work, maybe finally give meds a chance...
- date better, and more often : )
... i have other things of course but i'll end that list with writing about the last bullet point: date better and more often. Josiah's dad and i were together for... let's see 3 1/2 years. in that time, we dated, fell in LOVE, made Josiah, moved in with my parents, moved out, got engaged and then May of 2007 we broke up. in between that time we had good and bad times... the last 3 months or so were right of the War of the Roses movie though; thank GOD i didn't have a pet, otherwise he for sure would've been a goner! ha ha ha i won't use the blog to bash him at all; just will say that we both ended up with something other than what we were bargaining for. and in the midst of all of that was my depression; something i will write more about i'm sure. here, i will just say depression makes everything bad; but it also is kinda like a spotlight, or microscope; it helps clarify things that an otherwise happy person wouldn't see or would ignore. so in some ways, depression was my saving grace; helped me realize the relationship wasn't where it should be, and wouldn't get there ever.
since the breakup now 10 months ago, i haven't dated. i needed time to regroup, deal with my depression, focus on helping Josiah transition through the changes, worry about how i'd pay bills and not have to move out of the house i just had bought (bought the house March 07) etc. the closest thing to dealing with a guy has been flirting and hooking up (oh and for those readers not up on the lingo, hooking up - in my world, equates to the term, 'making out' it does NOT mean sex) with a friend of mine. he doesn't want a relationship, just basically is attracted to me and that was fine; because there were no strings and that was what i needed. and the great part is that it hasn't impacted our friendship; it's no big deal at all.
i have been thinking though lately that i am ready to date again. however, i need to do so more like the kids on MTV than those on the WB (oh how i miss the WB!)... that basically means that in the past i've met a guy, we liked each other, and after a while we were exclusive, bf and gf and were together for a good amount of time. my last relationships have gone like this: Josiah's dad: 3 1/2 years; my College bf who broke up with me right when i was sure we'd get married, to come out of the closet, little over a year with several breaks in between; my High school bf: officially 1 1/2 years, but unofficial time would make it over 2 years including my freshman year of college.... the guy before him was several months, and the guy before him the same...
i've dated or hooked up with more guys, but really the period of time that i actually dated more freely was in high school, and since have just had one extended relationship after another. yes, i wanna get married, yes i wanna settle down, but i feel like the way i was going about it before didn't work, so i should do something differently....
a great example of this theory not at all related to guys has to do with my shower drain. weeks after we moved in March 07 the drained seemed clogged; thus providing a very slow drain. this is annoying, making it so the tub has to be cleaned everyday otherwise it is totally gross. all matter of products to clear drains have been poured with no success. and just last week; as i was sitting on the rim of the tub, accompanying Josiah in the bathroom during what turned out to be a successful venture in our potty-training escapades.. it all of a sudden occurred to me that neither Josiah's dad, or i had tried clearing the drain with a plunger. so i got the plunger, did the do, and presto-changeo the drain was cleared!!! i turned the water on and let it run like 3 times just to be sure i wasn't delusional; Josiah asked, "Mommie, what are you doing?" in a 'mom is being weird, let me stand alert' type tone. ha ha but i was overjoyed. a shower drain that hasn't worked properly for over a year; that i had concluded would need a professional, that i didn't want to pay to clear it, was cleared by little ole me, as the result of me trying something new and different than before.
all that to say; there has to be a better way to find the right guy for me, so i may as well diversify and see what happens. : ) i may as well, date different guys at once; being open and honest about that of course, and i may as well go places i wouldn't normally as long as i'm not uncomfortable or compromising my values, and i may as well join some class or attend some singles event; heck i'm single, so why not? i think i have nothing to gain by doing things the same.
and not to say that i don't think there was a reason/purpose for my past relationships, i totally do. i'm one of those people who believes there's a reason for everything that happens. i have learned from them; from the guys, from myself. i know myself better, i know my needs and wants better, i know my limits/boundaries and my capabilities (for the good and the bad). hindsight is 20/20 and i can see where i went wrong; and hope to keep those things in mind for the future.
hm; i think that's good for now.
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment